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Phansite's Got Talent: 2019 Edition
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Episode I
The Death of Phansite
It is a dark time for the Phansite. Although rp has gotten the resurecc and the old gods remain dormant. Last post wins has lasted nearly an entire year signaling that the great dearth of activity is upon us. Valiant rpers and the random lurkers have taken to discord in a final bid to shore up defenses but it may be too late.
Only one thing could save phansite from the dark side before the end of the decade ...
A random talent show in some sweltering high school gym in Pennsylvania.
In a world where the Phansite is dying because one loser said so I guess and all that can save it is one stupid game show, only one cat can rise from the shadows... *A wild Jaguar Warrior Appears once again.* AND DO WHAT THEY DO BEST! THIS COMMENTOR GIG THAT I WASN'T INVITED FOR IS SPONSERED BY RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS! More of this show whenever I guess.
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Kisaragi walks into a dark room that smells like possum and feels like the middle of the sahara desert on a terribly hot day. Already covering her nose for the smell, she struggles to find the light switch in the dark. She waffles a bit with her hands to catch the switch and soon enough her pinkie flips the elusive thing. Triggering the full flourescent lighting of the gym which momentarily blinds her. What the .. ! When Kisaragi opens her eyes she realizes that she has entered some mideastern hellscape. The stage at the back end of the room has seen some better days and is now a semi-crumbling wreck of wood. The stage curtains are a putrid velvet pink color that no sensible person would have chosen and don't even get her started on the seats. The seats meant for the audience are plastic white chairs that could have been bought from a lawn sale. Amssing her courage, she walks past the seats and glances at the judges table. Dismayed to note that the judges have similar seats and their drinks are tiny apple juice boxes. The judges placards are decorated with dreaded comic sans and their names are clearly misspelled. "Fenty" and "Fuka". I used to do sold out concerts. Kisaragi deadpans. She feels like crying but the audience and talent will arrive any minute. So she just makes sure that the lukewarm water cooler is full and the scruff marks on the old basketball court floor are not noticeable. Then with a sigh she stands on stage and fiddles with the cheap cord microphone.
Femt would arrive with an almost proper strut before arriving at the place he was to be seated, at which point he'd collapse on the cheap white chair laying across it vertically in a lazy fashion. "This seating isn't very fitting for someone like me. Some people consider me a king you know but I suppose this will have to do. The show waits for no one." He'd say this all in a mostly tired and bored tone not even bothering to get up to speak from hiz position.

Itachi enters the gym with a dozen or so asian men in his employ. He gazes over the room, smirking. "Well, boys, let's keep those chins up. This'll be our year, I can just feel it!" He looks back at his entourages and gives them a wide smile, tightening his muscles to look encouraging.
*JAGUAR WARRIOR!!! sits in a slightly damaged plastic chair in the corner of the room with a desk in front of them and a microphone in their hand that doesn't connect to anything.* Welcome, ladies and gentleman to trash town. The wrestlers and the audience are coming here for a cat-astrophically good show tonight. I'm your (univited) commentator, JAGUAR WARRIOR!!!! Here on behalf of Kuku and Raid: Shadow Legends.
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Kisaragi accidently bangs the cheap mic against her nose which lets out a momentary screeching nose. Her hands immediately leap to cover her ears and the mic hits her again letting out another piercing screech. Battered by a microphone, she sits on her knees and shyly looks to all the others that have arrived. She says with embarrassment. Welcome everyone to this amazing show! She open her arms in grand gesture. Ta daa. Kisaragi stands up and straightens the microphone stand and places the mic on the top of it. Since the weird cat man thing down there started us off with an ad and tried to take my job already. We should be good to go right guys! So who wants to be first act? Anyone? Kisaragi hurridly looks arround for a potential contestant.
Thought control, deadly hedonism, vicious thoughs are on my mi-ah ya ya? [Kazuma had been walking from " Nonofyerbizness " to " Suxit 'Ol ". He stumbled upon this nice show and he would glamorously say...] YOU SHOULD DO IT, C'MON IDOL GIRL, I KNOW YOU CAN DO SOMETHING. I'll be cheering you on~ [He takes a seat on the very front, clapping and saying "woo" from time to time, as loud as he can, almost as if he was trying to surpass the crowd that did not exist.]
The business suited man would kick the door to the auditorium open, making his way to the judge's seat. Notably he had his standard issue pistol drawn and at his side. He'd let a couple of shots off into the air, they were not blanks. "Quiet down! I got a call to do this and I'll be damned if it isn't done right! Contestants! Head backstage immediately, I don't care if you piss your pants or shit yourself we're doing this MY way!"
A large man whistles as he slides into the gymnasium with a grin. "Yeeesh. This whole year ending thing has really hit a new low." He waltzes over and grabs a seat in the second row. "Glad to see our brand of folk is as lively as ever!" He kicks his legs up on the chair ahead of him with a laugh.

Femt would just lightly wave a hand up in the air from his position slumped in his seat. "Yes, yes, everyone to your positions. It's showtime..."
{One lone person in the stands clears out their throat before taking out their phone.} "HEYEVERYONEIT'SJOJOWELCOMEBACKTOMYCHANNELIHOPEYOUREMEMEBERTOSUBSCRIBEEVRYSINCBGELWEELRK-" {The girl says in the audience as she stands behind the whole talent show, even though it's starting right now.} "IreallyhopethatthistalentshowisgoingtobeSUPERAMAIZNGIbhugadyoukneow?" {When she sees the man enter, Jojo Siwa immediately heads backstage, still recording the experience.}
It seems all the judges have arrived, cats. Kisa, Fuka and Fenty have taken to the judges table, ready to judge this show. *JAGUAR MAN leans forwards.* Now all that's left is for the contestants to stop being rabbits and go onto the stage and perform! LIKE TRUE WRESTLERS!!!
[Kazuma stops clapping for the moment and then just lets out an overly exaggerated sigh. He decides to go backstage because why they hell not, right? He would walk there while spinning a black chain that came out of nowhere at all.] By the end of this, I'll be stepping on the faces of you all, especially the kids.
A lone Frogcat would make his way into the gymnasium. “A talent show, eh? Well I’ve got plenty of talent! I’m the most talented Frogcat to ever live, mostly cause I’m the only one to live...but I’m still number one baby!”
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Kisaragi is stunned at the number of people that actually came to see this production. With the natural flair that comes with a few minutes in acting school and some fear of the cop that just arrived she quickly announces the first act. Okay so without further ado, I would like to welcome that one random screamy girl to the stage! Kisaragi refers to jojosiwa but she never actually got a list of names. She had to make do. With raucous fake clapping she jumps down from the stage and takes a seat on a wobbly plastic chair.

Itachi and his group follow everyone backstage, eyeing the atmosphere excitedly. "Hopefully we don't have to wait too long for our turn."
"OMGOGMOGMGOGMGMOEEEEEE!!!11!!!1" {As the girl hears herself being aptly described, she goes up on stage and waves at everyone in the audience while hitting the folks. The dance, not the action. Aftwerwards, she speaks into the mic...or just loudly to everyone else.} "Iwouldliketothankmysponsors,myfamily,myfans,andespeciallyMYDOG!! Also,mynameis *ahem* JoJo Siwa." {She says to everyone, proceeding to hit the woah (the dance, not the action) and laughing to herself, then going back to the center stage.}
Can't I just kill the kid? I really just want to kill the kid. [Kazuma may just stay backstage, but he was already getting extremely annoyed.] Any of you know how to get away with murder? Make it accident, I mean. I can only stab people, I'm afraid.
Fuwa would cock his gun, and fire a shot just past Jojo. She could feel it graze her ear. "Hurry it up! Didn't ask for a whole goddamn spiel, just wanted to see some goddamn talent."

Femt seemed to spark up a bit with Kazuma's suggestion but quickly restrained himself just a little. "Well...since I'm serving the role of judge in today's festivities I really shouldn't condone murdering contestants...I guess. Though say I was going to kill one of our dear contestants than I'd use one of my special demon beasts to do it, preferably one that could dissolve the evidence if we wanted to make it a game of murder mystery."
"O. M. JEJEJEJEJEEJEJEJEJJEEEEEE!!!1111!" Jojo screamed as she felt her ear getting grazed, her head somehow turning towards the trajectory of the bullet. When she turned around, she was extremely excited. But she breathed in, and composed herself. As soon as she did, she started to forget why she was even there. "Wait,whydidIthrowitagain?...Hmm..." {When she started to think, a pink bubble formed around her head, and it almost seemed to form a very detailed and manly face. Yet, Jojo Siwa's high pitched voice could still be heard once the bubble popped, now instead a lightbulb appeared above her head.} "Oh,Iknow!" {She gave a thumbs up towards the sky, and as she does so, a bus flies straight into the building from the rooftop, and crashes right onto Jojo Siwa. Though the bus came out vertically, out came 6 kids who just walked around the bus as if they were still seated regularly, as well as JoJo who came out last.} The 6 Kids: "Hey yall', we're the Kidz Bop Kids!" JoJo Siwa: "Ibroughthemheremyself,omegalul!Didyoulikemytalent?Itwasthankstomystand, 「You Just D.R.E.A.M!」"
Shoot, I don't have anything I can use to make it just seem like an accident then. I'll be watching for anyone getting killed at least. That should be all showy and precious. [He would point at the girl on the stage, with almost an extreme amount of disdain.] I hope she shuts up quic- [He sees the entire bus crash, revealing even more children.] For the love of- someone please pacify them before I do it myself!!
Fuwa unloads his magazine into the six assembled children, slightly out of fright. "That's not a fucking talent!" Six shots, six hits, he was always a sharpshooter. Once the last of his shells bounced across the floor, he quickly had a fully magazine ready to go. "Talent is something you're born with! Some skill, not just doing... THAT!" He empties his magazine into a piece of paper, it makes a-
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Kisaragi audibly gasps. Judge Fuwa you could have damaged the curtains! We don't have enough money in our budget to replace that unless we make a kickstarter! Kisaragi firmly believes that what she just witnessed was all part of the show. She climbs up to the stage with an annoyed huff and first gazes up at the ceiling. The ceiling above the stage is now a hole with dripping plaster chips and Kisaragi pales at the sight of it. She then wander around the stage and checks each of the shot children with her foot. The fake blood packets they used to create such a gruesome effect has tainted the cheap wood and Kisaragi can only tsk with disgust. Ugh couldn't you kiddos use ketchup or something. Kiasragi fails to notice that all the kids minus JoJo are not moving and have gunshot wounds in some rather deadly places. She even kicks one corpse off the stage after the blood of it dirties her shoe. This is why I don't work with kiddos anymore. Amateurs all of you! 6 dead children on stage and Kisaragi could care less. The show must go on as they say in every single show related thing she has ever seen. Can anyone clean this mess? We didn't have enough money for a janitor and it wouldn't be fair for the next contestant to perform in this mess.
"hehehehe." A tall, strange, cloaked man approaches the stand, with a bucket and mop in his hand "Yes, just as expected. It is I the great... Ehem." The man coughs, his cloak slipping off enough for one to see his entirely bandaged arm that seems to be pulsing with energy "Volunteer janitor. Do not mind me. I will simply be doing my job. Cleaning things. Like a janitor." Soon enough Ra- *cough* the friendly volunteer janitor raises his right arm, a cloud of blood-red energy soaking the area where the corpses were, and dissolving them, leaving nothing but a perfectly clean floor behind. "Perfect! hehehehehe..."
Sonorous applause erupts from the man as he violently claps his hands. "Now that is talent! It would've taken me at least three times the bullets to knock 'em dead!"
Fuwa loads a single bullet into the chamber manually, he fires it at the 'janitor's' bandaged arm, seemed suspicious enough. "Fuck off! Get a real janitor! NEXT!"

"No corpses, it's hard to feed good pets these days. Guess I'll have to feed them the next time a batch of corpses shows up." Femt was disappointed but he still somehow kept a smile on his face despite wanting to have shown off his new specimen.
the bullet goes into the "man"'s arm, ripping through the bandages and causing his hand to fly off. However, instead of blood a strange, red energy pours out "AAAAAHHH CURSE YOU HEROS. FOILED AGAIN." The man dramatically removes his cloak to reveal that it was.. A rather tall man wrapped in bandages that seem to be glowing with energy, an energy that leaks from his missing arm "I SWEAR THIS IS NOT THE LAST YOU SHALL SEE OF RAFAAAAAM, the SUPREME ARCHAEOLOGIST." As Rafaam gives his villainous speech, his blown-off hand.. Starts moving. His arm crawls along the aisles, towards the back of the gym away from the stage "Ah, wait, NO. Get back here!" before running off after his severed arm
(edited by Archvillain)
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Kisaragi jumps at the sudden gunshot sound and curls up into a ball. Covering her head in case more shots follow. The random janitor has cleaned the stage and Kisaragi shakily announces the next contestant. Up next we have some weirdo with green hair and a hoodie. Everyone put your hands together for the local emo phase teen! Kisaragi decides it is better to pretend that none of that janitor business happened. She quietly crawls off the stage so that the next contestant can go.
Showtime. [Kazuma would actually lower his hoodie as he flamboyantly walks up to stage, standing at the very center of it, smiling and with both arms extended.] Hey hey hey, what is UP everybody! And I don't mean the sky! My name is Kazuma Kval and I'm a kid with a tragic backstory or something from the magic island of Ishana or something. I come to you with a musical...number, yeah. [First of all, he would fill the are with an infinite black chain which he would shift and turn in such a way that they would be come actual instruments for the music to be played. In the same way, they chains would drag a pair of green haired men who look exactly like him even in the fashion sense. Those with a keen eye would realize these are of course Hazama and Terumi, who may or may not be alive at the moment (Kazuma is legally forced to say they came along willingly) and the chains would stick to each of them like strings. So Kazuma would extend both arms and simualte the movement of a plane, while the other two do the same exact thing. "Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-huu, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-haa" would fill the background. At first it was like muffled, but then it would go at the same pace as the pop-like song that was playing now...with the....chain instruments. First, "Hazama" would sing (Kazuma is legally forced to not admit its himself doing it).]
Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc, Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea.
[It's romanian by the way. Hazama would be forced to dance like a puppet as he moves with each new verse. Next it was Terumi's turn.]
Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso, Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
[Terumi would do the same exact thing but in a more girly fashion I guess. The song would then pick up and all three at the same time (It's really just Kazuma) would sing and dance perfectly, like it was only one person. Which is the case.]
Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei. Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.
[Then the song would come to a halt and the three would strike a pose no human with bones could possibly do. Then a plan crashes near the stage, making Kazuma jump and making all the chains disappear; Hazama and Terumi dropping to the floor like the ragdolls they are.] Jesus christ... U-YEAH, NUMA NUMA EVERYBODY!!! [Kazuma puts on his hoodie yet again and with an open stance, would point at himself like the shit he truly is.]
(edited by KazumaKval)
With the very dated musical number out of the way, Fuwa would unload into another sheet of paper, with the two rounds left in his mag, he'd shoot at the two corpses. "Not an individual talent, but I do condone the use of poses!"

"There's something refreshing about that kid. Maybe his use of possible corpses? Eh, why not give him a fair score for once."
Fuck all ya'll, Imma win this one, yeyah! [He would say as he walks out the stage, crashed plane victims all burning alive while he hums the song he was singing moments ago.]
Thread Creator

Next one up is that asian guy with his own squad of random people. Hey are group performance even allowed? Kisaragi wonders but at this point her concern over what is and isn't permissable is gone. This has to be the craziest show she has ever done and she must accept the crazy to survive. Without getting up from her seat she says. Eh who cares. You go asian man with like twenty other people.

The group of men confidently gather onstage, Itachi standing in front of them. He smiles and waves at the judges. “Hello, let me just say it’s an honor to be performing here today. We’re proud to present a dance we’ve worked day and night on for countless weeks. We are Encryption!” Suddenly, the lights go dark, making the stage feel like a pitch back void. The audience is able to see through led light strips strewn across the floor and the judging area like those on the steps of theaters. Suddenly, bright gray lights shine from the stage, making the shape of a factory with a moving conveyor belt with boxhead robots laboring endlessly. Itachi would have gray lights outlining his business suit, red lights outlining his tie and white lights outlining his shirt. His head would be covered with green and orange lights arranged to look like an angry tiki face. He looks between a paper outlined with white lights and the robots, getting progressively angrier before throwing the paper on the ground, stomping his right foot, knocking everything off the production line and then pointing his right finger to the air as the opening to “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire begins to play and every other light on stage besides his disappears. He then swipes his right hand across his chest, subsequently the lights making up his suit appear to “rip off” and fly across the stage. His body’s outline would immediately be replaced with a red disco suit. He then holds a kabuki mask illuminated with red and white lights in his hands, putting it on his face to the rhythm of the song. Itachi would then idly dance for a brief moment before all his lights turn off. The number 21 would show up in giant orange lights at the back of the stages, the robots from before popping their heads out to the side of it one by one. They then do various flips off of it, landing on three conveyor belts which relit and began sliding them so they would be evenly spaced out when they all landed, 4 of them landing on each conveyor belt before each belt comes to a halt. The leftmost column of dancers would take a big step to the left with one foot as the column right next to them would take a step in the other direction, the other half the stage repeating this pattern as every dancer then faced away from the adjacent dancer and then bumped hips repeatedly. Itachi then lights up at the forefront of the stage, doing the cabbage patch energetically. He then shuffles his feet to the left and quickly bending his elbows to a right angle as he revolves his arms around themselves rapidly. He would then do the pointing dance. As his finger reached its height, all the dancers in the front row on his side would jump down behind their conveyor belt. The two rows would follow suit as he repeats the motion two more times. Itachi would then repeat this dance pattern at the right side, the conveyor belts becoming dark when no one was on them. Itachi would then disappear again as the backup dancers all did the running man. Itachi would then reappear in front of the 21 which then disappeared before a giant disco ball appeared beneath Itachi’s feet, outlined with a variety of vibrant colors. He would then dance the robot as a projection which would resemble a night sky with myriad stars would appear on the walls of the room. This would continue for a couple seconds before everything went completely dark.
Fuwa shoots blindly into the darkness. Roll for dexterity.
Booo mine was better
The shots strike Itachi as he leaves the stage no matter what he did. "It's almost fucking January dumbass."
(edited by Isamu_Fuwa)

As the bullets narrowly miss Itachi, he gets striked by a shot of whiskey which promptly spills all over him but nonetheless does no severe damage to him as he just nonchalantly moves along.
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Kisaragi has no idea what she just witnessed but it was certainly something. She rubs her eyes to recover some eyesight and jumps up on the perpetually damaged stage. When she first came in the gymnasium was trash and now it is an absolute garbage fire. Kisaragi can only imagine how much her patreon would have to earn to repay this but she still has a job to do. Thus she forces a amile and asks. So anyone else have anything to present today? If yes please don't damage this place further ... We are sort of in the red now guys and gals.
The Frogcat enters stage right slowly while riding on his heelies. When he reaches the mic he taps it and a loud screech echoes theough the gymnasium “Ah hi, hello. My name is Bona. I am a Frogcat, and today I have a very special act for all of you.“ Bona then puts on a tophat and cape and pulls out a stick. “Today I will be performing magic! The best kind of magic anyone can see! I will bewilder you all with my amazing tricks! Prepare to be mind freaked!” The Frogcat would throw down a smoke pellet causing only a small puff of smoke to arise below him “For my first trick I must use my tophat!” Bona would proceed to put the top hat on the ground with the rim of it facing upwards. He would then flick his magic wand to turn into a small fishing pole. “I call this trick...Gone Fishing!” The Frogcat would proceed to cast his line into the top hat, and after some waiting something would start to pull. After some fighting the Frogcat would yank what was on the line out of the hat. “Aha! It seems the fish were hungry today! And would ya look at that I caught a Shad! Did you know that if Shad were twenty pounds heavier they would be the strongest fish in the world?” The Frogcat would proceed to clap his hands and smack the Shad causing it to bulk up. “I present to you...the Strongest Shad!” The Shad would simply flop around stage before slapping the Frogcat in the face and hopping back into the top hat. “And now ladies and gentlemen...my final trick!” The Frogcat would then proceed to pull out a knife and slice his throat open causing him to collapse on the stage lifeless as a pool of blood surrounded him. A minute would pass before the body would start to shake and the Frogcat would spring back to life “ALAKAZAM! Thank you for watching!”
Fuwa would shoot the hat, but as the shad was inside, the bullet would ricochet off and into whatever unfortunate soul was standing to the left of the hat. "Holy shit..." He'd bust out a briefcase with an AR in it, and unload into a piece of paper.
[Kazuma would maake his lips into a pout or something, he would raise both eyebrows and slowly clapped, very much impressed.]
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